funny story

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing
till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy
who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted
this:

Last weekend I saw some-thing at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the
tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY
TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pre ssed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity
darting back and forth between the
prongs..
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone
with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two
triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat
Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on
a
flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such
a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work
as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a
tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one
hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the
batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute
really
and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to
myself,
'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description,
but
I'll do my best.....?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that
a one second burst
from such a tiny lit tle ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE
HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making
meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed
by
my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel < BR>compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no
such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go
of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing
about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered
conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HECK!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down
and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling..
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure
and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I
believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant rewardfor
their safe return!
P.s... My wife, can't
stop laughing about my experience, loved thegift,
and now regularly threatens
me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid
!!!